Dealing with relationship issues (2)

Relationships are built on mutual trust – and trust is based on speaking the truth. But there are ways of speaking the truth that help and ways that hurt. The “give-them-a-piece-of-my-mind” approach just drives the wedge deeper. Then there is the Bible way: “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow” (Ephesians 4:15 NIV). Let’s suppose a couple fights because he is habitually late. How can she make sure her message gets across? Well, she could say to him: (a) “I feel frustrated.” No blame, no attack; just an honest sharing of how she feels. (b) “When you are late.” No judging, name-calling, or labelling; just a description of how she sees his action. (c) “It seems to say to me that my time isn’t really important to you.” No moralizing; just honestly sharing her emotions. (d) “In the future, can you please try to be on time or call me and let me know when you will be here?” Instead of focusing on past actions he can’t change, she is telling him what she would like him to do differently next time. (e) “Would you be willing to do that for me?” No demanding or taking for granted; just asking for consideration and cooperation. And when he agrees, they have an implied “contract.” She thanks him sincerely and rewards every effort he makes to keep his word. In effect, she has just realigned the relationship by making him an ally instead of an adversary. She has also redefined the focus as a shared one, not something she “does to him!” Like the Bible says, we can “walk together” when we have “agreed to do so.”